Yes!
I let you win because you're pregnant.
Oh, you did not let me win.
Okay, I'll let you believe that because you're pregnant.
Come on.
You know what, I feel so much better
now that the baby and the engagement are all out in the open.
Don't you feel better?
Oh, I do, not right now, but in general.
It was such a nice moment when we told your family.
And it was a less nice moment
when I turned your dad's truck into a giant fireball.
What the hell was that?
Oh, sweetheart, come on,
I mean, he's got his party tonight.
He's so focused on that, he's probably already forgotten about the truck.
Or not.
Had to haul her over the house.
It's the only way they could get her out of the backyard.
Dick, can I just say, again, I am so sorry about this.
It's never made that sound before.
It's dead.
I bet it's... Do you have another crane?
We'll get another crane to get this crane...
Okay, I'll let you guys do it.
Oh! Hey, honey.
Hi. Thanks.
Crane's broken. Crane's broken?
Can't move the truck until tomorrow.
It's going to be hanging there during your birthday party?
Okay, doesn't matter, doesn't matter.
You are going to have the most wonderful time.
You are going to have everything you love.
So, I'll have a cigar?
Now, Dick, we've talked about that, and you know what the doctor said.
But it's my birthday.
And he strictly forbids it and so do I.
Me-Ilo. Hey.
Where are you? I'm at work.
Listen, I'm looking for some really special cigars.
You know where I can find any?
I'm your man. I can help you out.
But no, these have to be really special.
Like special enough to erase the memory of everything bad that's ever happened.
No worries, curries. I got a guy. I'll have them in a half an hour.
Great. I'm still at the Claytons' so I can meet you.
Ooh, I'll bring them by. No, you will not.
Why?
Because last time you were here,
you made love to their virginal daughter
and broadcast it over a baby monitor.
Don't say "made love." That's gross.
You're gross. Look,
I won't even come in. I'll just meet you at the end of the driveway.
Thank you.
Hey, what're you doing?
Oh, just working on a little plan.
Oh, no. No, no.
This is... Don't worry. This is good.
This involves the perfect gift for your dad.
And that's it?
Yes, that's it. Okay.
Mom, the cake looks amazing. It's going to kill me, not to have any.
Oh, you can have one piece.
Mom's right, you're so skinny now.
Yeah, too skinny.
Yeah, I miss the days when we could tie a wicker basket to your shorts
and ask you to take us around the world in 80 days.
You see, I don't.
You know what, I'm going to make you a vegetable plate.
How about that?
Okay, thank you.
Ooh, all right, Sam Briggs reporting for duty.
Hey. Angela, how can I service you?
Be of service to you.
Actually, you know what, I could use some folding chairs from the basement.
Folding chairs you shall have.
Mom, where are those vegetables?
Oh, I roasted them in the goose fat.
No! No, no, no. Mom, I can't eat that.
Okay, I got to go to the store, and get some more.
Oh, wait, wait. I'll do it.
Really? That's great. Yeah.
Because it'll give me a chance to do something with this.
Oh.
You know what, Sam, these contacts are killing me.
I need to switch them out. Can you get me some saline solution?
I will be your saline solutions solution.
Thank you.
All right, actually I should write this down.
Hey, Chad.
Hey, babe. Hey.
Bro-in-law.
Bro-in-law to be.
I was actually running to the store. Do you need anything?
Yeah, what I need is for Dick to have a good time tonight.
All right, okay. I think I have a coupon for that, so...
Okay, I'm out of here.
Hey, honey. You're being so helpful,
but are you sure you're not biting off more than you can chew?
Yeah, I like being useful around here, like I'm a member of the family.
I'm a member of the family.
Okay, please just be back in time to get changed.
I will run these errands
and be back in time to shower, change, make love to you,
and greet the first guest at the door.
Don't say "make love." It's gross.
How can anyone think "make love" is gross?
Oh, my God! You're dead.
You got me.
Are you going to play Dracula for me?
Oh, I'd love to. But oh, I got... I'm a little busy today.
You don't want to play with me?
Oh, no, I do, I just... You know, I got a lot of stuff to do.
What's going on?
You don't want to play with my grandson?
No, I do, I do. I just was going to have some errands.
And, you know what, yeah, I have a little time.
So, how do I look, huh? Scary? Yeah.
Wait.
Good job. All right, well, Uncle Dracula's got a lot of work to do, buddy.
It's been fun playing.
Put this on.
Whoa, no, honey. Honey, no, no, no.
No, that's Grandpa's judge clothes. See? Uh-uh.
Grandpa lets me. Do it! Do it!
No...
Okay, you know what then, let's go down in the dungeon and do it,
where Dracula keeps his folding chairs.
Ah, there are my chairs.
That's not Dracula's voice.
There are my chairs!
No, really scare me!
No, really really scare me!
Sam? Sam?
Where are you?
Scotty, Scotty?
Scotty!
All right, open the door, Scotty.
Hey, guys?
Oh, hi! Sorry about the truck.
Mind the truck.
Hi, how are you? How are you?
Sorry about that. That's Dick's truck.
Hi! Hi!
Mind the truck.
Sam's been gone for hours. I need that contact solution.
All I have here are my glasses from high school.
I'm worried everybody's going to think I'm smart.
Oh, don't worry about that.
Where's Sam? Because I can't eat any of this stuff.
Honey, Sam said he was going to bring me some folding chairs.
Okay, you guys, calm down. Okay, I'm sure he'll be back any minute.
Hello? Hello?
Okay.
Everybody, I can't wait anymore.
I want everyone to go in the study
so I can surprise Dick with his portrait.
Yeah.
Surprise!
No.
Sam, we can see your, you know.
I'm going to get some food.
Hey, so, what I said before,
that I wanted you to make sure that Dick had a good time tonight?
I didn't mean for you to show him your penis.
Oh, okay, my mistake.
I wish there were some single ladies here though, you know,
keep my mind off of food.
What about that hottie? Hmm?
That's a man.
Really?
Mmm-hmm.
Hey, new family.
Thanks for the contact solution, Sam. Feel super pretty.
Oh, man.
How's it going for you? Oh, it's just great.
You know, Chloe's trying to hook me up with hot guys.
That's cool. Hmm.
Oops!
Oh, yeah. Excuse me.
Yeah. One second. Hey.
Oh, awesome. I'll be right out.
Hi. What are you doing here?
This is door to door service.
Adam!
Oh, two very special cigars.
Thank you. You're welcome.
What happened to our little end of the driveway plan?
I needed to see Chloe.
No, not tonight. No, no.
Yes, yes, yes, tonight.
Adam! Hi!
Come here, baby, come here, come here.
I missed you so much.
Oh, I missed you too.
Sam, what are you doing in here?
You know, I was writing you a note.
And I really don't need to now, I'll use my mouth.
Anyway, happy birthday.
Angela will kill me.
Keep it our little secret.
Our little secret it is.
Thank you, Sam.
Thank you.
God! Look at these guys.
What?
Oh, not even paying them any attention, man.
Too busy looking at that.
You know what I'd like to do?
I'd like to walk right over there and just grab me a piece of that.
Oh, oh, cool. Why don't you?
It's a slippery slope.
Okay, how about taking a break, Romeo.
Just getting my groove.
Yeah, thanks.
Bye. - Bye.
Oh, he's such a good dancer.
You having fun, peanut? Yeah.
Gentlemen.
Hey, I love this jacket.
Oh, well, I like your facial hair.
All right. See you, guys.
Good to see you, buddy.
He's good people.
He's awesome.
I don't know why Mel didn't tell me he was gay, but...
By the way, the cigars, thank you.
They went over awesome. Oh, scooper dubes.
Yeah. Who were they for?
Dick. No way.
Judge Clayton burns?
Yeah... What? What's that mean?
It means it was the fluffy dank.
What does that mean?
The krizzle. The sticky-icky.
The kinder.
Sorry.
Marijuana.
You're kidding, right?
No, you wanted special cigars.
Tell me
you did not just give me cigars laced with grass.
Laced with grass?
Who are you? My seventh-grade health teacher?
Thanks, Dad. Behave.
Dick.
Yeah, I was thinking, remember I gave you cigars or whatever...
Angela.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I just wanted to check...
Sam, have you met Uncle Trevor yet?
No.
He's a writer, too. Dick, let me get you a drink.
I'm working on a novel.
It's called, The Scowling Angel.
Ah!
It starts in a dead-end town outside...
Uncle Trevor, I'm so sorry to interrupt.
But my mother desperately needs you in the kitchen, okay?
I'm sorry, I really am. Oh, okay.
I'm hooked.
Angela wants to see me? What did I do?
No, no, no, no.
My Uncle Trevor has been writing that book for 40 years.
So, basically just saved your life.
Okay, thank you.
Boy, it's like he's just teasing me with that delicious thing.
David, I bet there's a lot of pressure around here, for you to be a certain way.
Oh, oh, you're talking about...
Yeah. ...that.
Well, no.
No, my family didn't put any pressure on me.
Now, they did encourage me to live a healthier lifestyle.
See, that, mmm...
That's just not right.
Yeah, you know what, I think so too.
But society...
No, forget society, man.
Make yourself happy.
You know what? You're right.
You are right, Sam. I'm unbuckling the belt and I'm going for it, Sam.
Jeez, okay. That's "A" for enthusiasm. But you take things slower.
Excuse me, I'm sorry, go for it. No, no, no.
Okay, thank you, thank you. Excuse me, thank you.
Sam? Sorry, got it.
Had a little crudités on your boot-ay.
Do you remember that little...
Hey, everyone, it's time for Dick and Angela's song!
No. Oh, you bad boy.
We don't want to see these two dance, do we?
Some day when I'm awfully low
When the world is cold
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight
Hey. Hi.
And it's not a big deal. It's actually kind of funny... Anyway...
You know the cigars I got for your dad.
Yeah.
Well, apparently they've been stuffed with the krizzle.
With weed? Oh, my God.
How do you know that term? What?
Sweet leaf, squidge, boo boo bama, everyone knows those.
I don't.
Anyway, they're in his pocket, and he seems very eager to smoke them.
Well, we have to get them out.
Oh, I'm trying, Chad keeps stopping me very suspiciously.
I think he's Dick-blocking me.
Freaking Chad.
With each word your tenderness grows
Hey, quit hogging Dad.
Hi, Dad. Hi, honey.
Are you having a good time?
I am having the best time.
Oh, you know, we haven't done this since I was a kid.
Mel, I adore you. Mmm-hmm?
Oh!
But if you take my cigars, you'll regret it.
Besides, they're in the other pocket.
Come with me. What?
Why would you say that to David?
You just undid years of hard work.
Work? Guys, that's...
I'm sorry, this isn't something he should change or can change.
What are you talking about? He was miserable when he was fat.
Fat? Yeah.
I thought he... He's gay.
Why would you think that?
Because he looks at guys and worries about his hair and eats vegetables.
David, I'm really sorry, man.
No, it's cool.
No, you do not have to do this.
Don't touch my plate.
It's not a plate, actually, it's a serving tray.
Come. What?
I struck out with my dad.
David is straight and he used to be fat.
Thanks, that's good information,
but I think we need to focus on getting those cigars.
It's okay, it's okay.
And technically, it's not a problem,
'cause your dad wants to smoke one.
Then I think it just became a problem.
What?
Oh, crap.
What are we going to do?
I didn't want it to come to this.
Oh, oh, no, no. No, you don't. Mmm-mmm.
Angela?
The other one, too.
Oh, but I only... Would you not?
I go to so much trouble to keep you healthy and this is what you do.
And, to think, I wouldn't have known about this, if it hadn't been for Sam.
Sam!
Five minutes to cake.
Dick, I'm really sorry...
I am at a complete loss here.
You blew up my truck, bashed my son with a shovel,
got my youngest daughter deflowered
and I'm pretty sure that you killed my bird.
And when you finally make a nice gesture,
you turn around and sell me out.
I don't know what to make of you, Sam. I really don't.
Hey! So, did you get the spliffs?
The what?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got them right here.
Oh, good. Is everything okay?
Yeah, yeah. I'm going to throw them out.
Great, I'll save you a piece of cake.
Okay, thank you, baby.
Is the party over already, or...
Not quite.
Just really sorry about the cigars, I didn't...
It did come from a place of caring about you.
I'm sorry about this week.
I thought if I could do more and,
you'd get to know me better. I don't know.
Guess all that matters is that you know I love Mel more than anything in this world.
She loves you.
I think that's why I was making such an ass of myself,
you know, trying to fit in with her family.
Your family.
It's your family now, too.
So, quit trying so hard.
That's great advice. Thank you, I will.
I feel like we should hug? Don't!
Okay.
Oh, right on cue. It's Mel here.
Hey. Hey, where are you?
David's trying to eat your cake.
And I don't know how much longer I can hold him off.
He's so hungry.
I'm with your dad. You're never going to believe this.
We just had the most beautiful moment.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, that's great. Where is he right now?
What the hell is this?
He's getting stoned.
This frosting is so creamy.
I'll trade you for some cookies?
Cookie.
Is that a word?
Cook-ie.